On a sun-dappled Friday, in response to some long-winded, rambling, oft-repeated complaints, a friend chastised me for selling myself short in romance (You know who you are and I thank you.). As the day went on, her argument consumed me, and that evening I, in turn, berated another friend for selling herself too short, forwarding along an inspiring screenshot from friend #1. I was harsh and cutting, yes, because I saw my behaviors in hers (You also know who you are, and I’m very sorry.). When we finished texting, I flung my phone in frustration.
I took the long weekend to stop and think. I ignored all calls (a real feat, as my dear friend Flor has diagnosed me with e-OCD). I sat up in bed tapping my chin and sometimes slid down into long naps. One of the most productive weekends of my life.
Between sleep and dreams, I realized it is important for a woman to respect her womanhood. Expect to be loved. Demand love. Don’t slip along timidly accepting anything less. You are not Casper the friendly asexual ghost. Assume you are pursued because you are loved and drop anyone who is demanding of your time while offering something less than love. “Wow,” said Flor when she read these words, “You’ve come a long way, MST!” Well, I hope so, Flor. It’s about time. And it’s about time. We must stop friend-zoning ourselves. Friend-zoning is at fault. Texting is at fault. Ghosting is at fault. Emojis are very much at fault. We don’t have time. We are each looking for someone beautiful and respectable and intriguing enough to love, but we have to learn to put that quest in the background instead of making it the prevailing topic of all our lunch hours and girls’ nights and smudged and deflated after-parties.
So let’s fill our lonely hours with activities we enjoy, the arts and travel and eating and exercise, leisure pursuits that build up, with people we love and who love us too (!). Our lives abound with healthy relationships, with people who are loyal for the simple reason of shared blood or a history that includes a thousand inside jokes; they ride out bratty behavior, buoy us through loss, hear a tremble behind the words “I’m fine." Our parents, our nieces and nephews, our old college roommates await. Let’s seek them out, revel in an unconditional affection which heals and feeds. This way, we remain whole, vital beings, growing richer and finer over time — rather than allowing ourselves to be chipped at and hurt by the careless who don't really mean to inflict such harm but nevertheless cause a lot of lasting damage. Love yourself, said my friend, and demand love from others, I say (always shooting for the extreme), and settle for nothing less. You have better ways to pass the time.
And when the pickings are slim, nay, nada-null-zero, Sir Charming hasn’t stepped up and there’s no one with potential that you’d like to pull from the pool, spend a luscious weekend in bed. We can all benefit from beauty sleep.